OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You've changed since you got that strap on
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
