are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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