So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
