census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
