1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
