peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
