Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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