The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
