people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
