how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
