true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
