Christians are straight up FREAKS
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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