I need to stop coming to work sober
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize