Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
