Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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