I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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