my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
