Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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