party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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