Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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