We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
