My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
