It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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