So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I wear drunk well.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
