We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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