god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
