Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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