The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
