i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
