Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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