barbara walters just said penis...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
