I accidentally had phone sex last night
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Semen is not good for contacts.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Randomize
