No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
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It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
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Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.