Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead