I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Randomize
