T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
My throat feels like a candle.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
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nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
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He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.