Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.