and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It was confusing and full of hummus
vagina is talking i cant
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
