I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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