Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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