We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
