the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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