my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
