It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
