3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
