and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
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You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
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I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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