someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
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There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
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It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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