I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
