My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
