For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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