Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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