Soap is not a condiment
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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