Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I supernannyed him into submission
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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