oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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