When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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