Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
