I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
smell my finger.
two words...techno handjob
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
