Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
So I think I might still secretly love him despite the ass licking...
Hey ass licking is a very nice and intimate thing! Don't discredit your feelings
But what if he licks everyones ass?
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
