If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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